Drew Perron <pwerdna@gmail.com> wrote at 05:02 this Tuesday (GMT):

On Sun, Jul 14, 2024 at 8:31 PM Arthur Spitzer <arspitzer2@gmail.com> wrote:
<snip>

ALL THINGS DARK AND SCARY #5

"Fatal Finale"

"He's dead, Officer Burke! We saw it with our own eyes!"
Occultism Kid shouted at the policeman sitting in front of him.
Currently, OK and the August One are seated in the local police
building. "That monster -- Shrub Niggarauth -- just up and swallowed
Ros... Ricky whole!"

Well, this seems to pick up right from #3.3...

Normally the security at LNH HQ is unbreachable. The secrets
contained within those halls could destroy the heroes it houses, or at least >> give a villan a definate edge.

Yeah, LNHQ invasions don't really happen much!

is that sarcasm?

Normally the Ultimate Ninja wouldn't have suggested replacing the
Coke machine with a slurpee machine, thus occupying all of MtM's time
by calling up the fiscal and nutritional benefits of slurpees over Coca-Cola >> and forcing a full roster meeting of the LNH members to discuss the proposal.

X3 I think this ties in with Ven-Dorr...

"Hey," Curly mumbled, still half asleep. "Who're you?"
"Time for emergency plan one," the BCF thought. "Uh..." He
reached deep into his coat and pulled forth a large pepperoni pizza.
"Pizza Man!"
He inwardly cursed. "Blazes! I wanted to save that piece of
plot-devicium for something truly nasty!"

Pizzadevicium! :D

not the plot-devicium!

Curly stirred. "P-p-p-p-PIZZA!?" He shouted. "Hey, guys!
Pizza Man's here!"

pizza time

Like a herd of buffalo rampaging across the great plains, the
assembled Legion of Net.Heroes stampeded out of the cafeteria, through
the entryway, over the black clad figure (And, presumably, Curly), and
back into the cafeteria via the other door, leaving a mangled, stomped
black-clad figure and a likewise mangled, stomped Curly lying on the
floor, both grasping an empty pizza box.
"Uhhh..." they groaned.

XD XD XD I love that a lot

"`Yes, master. No, master. Please don't hit me, master.' All the things >> Ego goes through for the master, and this is how the master repays poor Ego. >> Well, Ego will do his job good, yeees, and the master will treat Ego nice
for once. Yesss..."

Classic henchmannery.

classic yea

<Enter login code>
Username: Myk-El
<Enter password>
Password: The Infamous Traitor
<Password accepted. Welcome, LNHer.>

X3; Well

smh why wasnt the password ***-ed out

The front door slammed open. "Their chances just got a lot
better, officer." Occultism Kid and The August One's eyes all but
burst from their sockets upon spotting the intruder.
"Rost... RICKY WREAM!"

heeheehee

RosterwReam, looking for all the world like he just barely
navigated the blades of a salad shooter intact,

X3

"The stairs ascended into the back room of some store. The guy
went in the front room, while I checked the place out. It smelled --
"You WERE just traipsing through the sewers you know."
"No, I mean it smelled NICE. When my eyes adjusted, I saw why.
I was standing in a flower shop. The lunatic's a florist, Occultism Kid."

On the twenty-third day of the month of September, in an early year of
a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly
encountered a deadly threat to its very existence!

huh?

In the computer room, the black-clad figure was just finishing
up. He apprehensively glanced towards the door labeled DRH -- Serious
Writer, and then relaxed. "Ah, he won't come out. He NEVER comes out."

Hehehehe. X> For some reason, this line really stuck in my head, back
in the day.

hes just that serious!

"Flameproof Lad," a voice, deep and menacing, spoke.
"Y-Yes?"
"Do you ever grow tired of yourself?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your power, Flameproof Lad. Flames have no effect on you,
but you may never, EVER respond with a flame in turn. Does this not
trouble you?"
"Well, sometimes, yeah. It gets downright frustrating."
"I can change that."

It's the Shoe Devil! :o

A voice spoke in his head. "Flameproof Lad, from this day onward,
you are not only immune to flames, but you MUST respond in kind.. Respond >> for all those unable or unwilling to respond. From this day onward, you
are the FLAME WRITER!"
The bare bones of Flameproof Lad burst into powerful Hellflame.
"VENGENCE!!!" His voice was dark, cold, evil. He took off
at a sprint after the figure in black.
From his citadel in Rec.arts.comics, the being called RAClipso
laughed a vile laugh, and shouted DONE! for all the net.verse to hear.

It's *impressive* how little this has to do with anything else. X>

you could say they burned that bridge

"I know why RosterwReam survived the creature's attack. The
monster, Shrub Niggarauth, feeds off the hard working and productive
members of this society. In short, the creature is a weed, killing
off those who work hard for success."
RosterwReam leaned back in his chair and groaned. "You mean..."
"Unfortunately, yes. The creature left you alive because of
your laziness in your duties as keeper of the roster. Had you worked
harder, it would have eaten you alive."

heeheeheehee delightful

oh cool so this monster causes the idiocracy timeline?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," RosterwReam seemed eager to change the
subject. "Are you telling me the true nature of an unnatural monster
summoned by use of the Net.romicon is found in some book in a PUBLIC
LIBRARY?"
"This _is_ alt.horror.cthulu, after all, RosterwReam."

X3 I mean, to be fair, Miskatonic University just has the Necronomicon
in *their* library, open to the public.

yeah seems like a security risk

"Never forget who made this possible, _partner_."
"Never forget who supplied the access code, _partner_. I'm
doing my part -- just don't forget yours."
"Touche. I look forward to our days ahead."
"As do I -- the upcoming days when the LNH falls before the
combined might of Mister Minister and the MAD MODERNIZER!"

Oh man, I'm sad that never got followed up on. X>

OK looked perplexed. "Err, no. I just want to tell you
that the mayor's declared tomorrow a citywide holiday. Nobody goes
to work tomorrow -- you can just stay home and relax. Doesn't that
sound great?"
Defalco's face betrayed the horror he felt. "H-h-holiday?"
"Yup."
"N-nobody works on a holiday."
"That's generally the way it goes, sir."

Ohohoho. :3

oh nooo!

Occultism Kid sighed. "OK, one more time. That monster of his
feeds off the hardworking energies of others, right?" TAO nods. "If
tomorrow is a holiday, then the only one working will be Defalco -- working >> on taking over the city, that is. The creature will have no choice but to >> feed off of HIM, and that won't work to his advantage at all.

Yes, that makes sense!

just feed off a computer instead

"Tonight, the monster WILL come out and attack the mayor as he
delivers his speech -- only the mayor won't be the mayor, it'll be August
in disguise. Once the monster shows, we just have to make sure we don't work
hard while fighting it, like we did last time."
RosterwReam was noticeably perplexed. "So, we beat this thing by
not trying to beat it?"
Occultism Kid beamed. "Yup. Sheer genius, if I do say so myself."

X3 Love this Lower Decks-ass plan

The August One, for his credit, was remarkably calm and collected.
"Oh, dear." With a wave of his hand he conjured a wall of force.
The creature shattered it. Easily.
August, still relatively calm, blasted it with lightning.
The creature seemed to laugh. "Tttttiiiiicccckkkkllllleee..."
Now, August was panicking.

That's freakin powerful. :o

"I'll not let my new lease on life end here, monster!" August shouted in
defiance. He grasped his chest -- which was glowing -- and started to
scream.
When he removed his hand from his chest, he held a magnificent
gem. "The power of the Guest-Star Gem is beyond even YOU, monster!
Die, now!" A bolt of red death shot towards the creature and impacted
in it's stomach.

I feel like we're introducing a *lot* of new plot devices at once. X3

plot devicium mines are high today

The monster stopped all actions. It dropped August and the
other seven policemen it was holding. It turned to look at Occultism
Kid. Then it started to laugh.
A demonic voice spoke in Occultism Kid's mind. <You thought
that wretch of a man was my master, human fool? His summons was not
controlled -- it was, rather, an _invitation_. You cannot banish me,
and you have released me from what control that other fool had. I am
free to destroy, *human*, and will not be stopped by the likes of you."

DAMN. That's extremely good.

ominous

RosterwReam shouted, "Wait! Remember, this thing feeds off
effort! If everyone stops fighting, it'll die!"
"No, no, RosterwReam!" Occultism Kid thought. "Can't you see?
The effort it'll take to do nothing surpasses the effort it takes to
resist the thing!

Oh, I know that feeling.

being lazy is hard :(

"The Guest Star Gem tends to exaggerate certain elements of
characters when it forces them somewhere they normally wouldn't be.
This is why characters in crossovers sometimes seem out of character.
Anyway, when I blasted Ricky here, it exaggerated his laziness to an
incredible extreme. He launched a blast of Laziness down that creature's
throat, which killed it."

XD Okay, that's a spectacular explanation for why that worked.

"Ocky here didn't actually *do* anything, Officer Burke. Did you?"
Occultism Kid had a smug look on his face. "Nope. At least, not
aside from a really fantastic job of acting."
"You mean...?"
"Yup. I pretended to channel in a demon, and it scared the willies
out of Defalco.

Ahhhh, also pretty good. n.n

"Would you
mind if I just grabbed something first? From inside the confessional?"
Burke looked rather confused, but agreed nonetheless. "Sure."
Occultism Kid popped into the confessional, dragging RosterwReam
with him. The August One followed last. "Goodbye, Officer Burke. Very
nice to meet you." August said, and closed the door behind him.
"Goodbye?" Burke thought. "Where do these boys think
they're going in a confessional?" When he turned around, the
confessinal was gone. "Huh...?"

Absolutely classic Doctor Who gag.

"I was sitting in a pile of books, remember. I gave Mister
Minister _a_ book, but not _the_ book. Right now he's probably staring at >> a copy of..."

"..._OCCULTTECH THE QUICK AND EASY WAY_?!

Sure, that works!

it do work :D

"The time is the dark past. Great armies wielding tremendous powers
advance upon each other with murderous intent. A glint of metal, a
scream of pain, and blue flesh is torn. The SmurfWar 2020 has begun."

...it took me a minute to remember 2020 was still a future-y year. X>

retrofuturistic woo

Deja Dude nodded. "What did your attacker look like?"
Flameproof Lad hesitated. "Come to think of it, he looked like
Myk-El -- but that's impossible! He's dead!"

Yeah, that didn't happen, he just logged in using his account.

Deja Dude smiled. "Think about it: flameheads want to upset you,
right? If you respond with a flame then they're happy because it
had the effect they intended."
"But if I don't respond --"
Deja Dude shrugged his shoulders. "Then they like to think that
you're upset anyway even though they don't have the satisfaction of
knowing for sure."
Flameproof Lad's eyes lit up. "Ah! So if I respond calmly that'll
bug the @#$% out of them!"
Deja Dude smiled. "Exactly! Escpecially if you cut them down with
a bit of sarcasm."

Thanks for the extremely bad advice. x-x

Drew "explains a lot about how he conducted himself" Nilium

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